Tuesday, September 17, 2013

5 ways to know yourself, so you can know your mate

I was in deep thought today about previous relationships I had been in.
Every relationship is different and everyone desires to have the same passion last forever.

Friends love to come to me and ask advice, maybe because of my blog, maybe because I give out great advice( that I need to take more often) but this question stumped me.

My friend Nick told me that his boyfriend yelled at him and said maybe he loved him( Nick boyfriend loved Nick more) than Nick loved his boyfriend. Now thats not to say, that Nick didn't love his boyfriend. Nick is a faithful, open minded, loving individual, however, he told me that an old adage that hits straight relationships crept its way into his head.

"Isn't it better to be with someone that loves you more than you love them"

We often forget that Gay relationships, are yes, normal like any other monogamous relationship, except for one big thing. The people involved are the same gender! 

These kinds of safeguards, seemingly relate to settling. Really it was in place in a antiquated society, where the woman depends on a man for everything. Emotional well being,  emotional support, financial support, and of course family help( with the children).

The point of society ( previously) was to give daddy's little girl away to her husband, who will take care of her the rest of her life.

Do we force these antiquated social norms onto current relationships?

Do we enter a relationship, expecting that we only have one soul mate?
Do we enter a relationship knowing that its ok to have someone be more into you because its safe?

What do you do when theres an imbalance in your relationship. Is it really ok to stay with someone thats a safe love, over the burning passionate love of your life?

My answer? you trust your gut. 

"Why?"

Because I notice the gut feeling that we are forced to trust has no clue, about societal norms, gender pressures, role pressures( top/bottom, masc/fem/ black/white/tall/short) play in our relationship.

"Why else?"


The gut is simple.

"I still don't get it?!"

Well thats because like most questions in love, we have to realize there is no generalized right or wrong answer. What you did in previous relationships won't always work in your new one, and vice versa.

You have to know yourself, and understand when its your gut, and when its your brain overanalyzing details. 

How do you know when your gut is speaking, and when its not.

Easy. 


Get to know yourself.  Five ways to know yourself, and therefore understand your relationship betterb

1)Identify whats important for you in a relationship ( what your mate has to bring to the relationship),
2) Identify whats important for you in yourself( what YOU will bring to your mate?)
3) What do you want for your future
4) Spend time doing the things you love alone
5)Take a personality test




Comment below on our new disqus comment thread what your personality is!


This last one probably makes you scratch your head, but its what I did with myself. However heres how I came to these conclusions.

I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. It measures the way our human personality functions in the world outside( the one we exist in physically) and our inner world ( the one inside our mind) 

Ask yourself this question. " Do I have dialogue in my head, or outside with people"

The results may surprise you.


Take a second and listen to your thoughts. Objectively, (without forcing thoughts, just let your mind be)

Pay attention to the thoughts that are directed ( or spoken) towards yourself. Are they happy? positive? or do you put yourself down all the time?
What do you tell yourself in your inner voice can be measured, and can distinguish how you treat yourself and other people.

Myers Briggs Personalities. Which one describes you or your mate
I took the Myers Briggs Test twice in my life. Once in college and once now, and I was astounded to see that there was a difference.

The Myers Briggs Test, is a scientific measurement of certain attitudes, values and beliefs that we hold in our personality. It measures 15 different personality types in the world.

15!!!!!!!

Think about that for a minute. There are at least 15 different personality types that have been established in the human species. 15 unique personalities,  perceptions, vantage points, beliefs,  attitudes, all rolled up into one human.

How could we ever think, that there is a one rule fix all for all relationships?!

How many other personality types have we not discovered yet? 
How many other people are we dealing with, that we think we understand but really have no idea about their reactions, beliefs, etc etc.

We think we know, but we really have no idea.

Once you get a good un-objective look at your personality, once you study the other 15 other personalities out there, you realize( at least i realized) i don't know shit about anyone including and especially myself.
I only know, what my flawed, imperfect, human mind percieves. Once you get that fact to click in your head, you will begin to look at your relationships alot deeper, and much differently.



Who would have thought, that there could be a difference, in my personality, with only a time span of 6 years. Did I change? did my environment change?


You see before, I was an ESTJ-otherwise known as the Guardian or the supervisor.
This totally reminds me of myself in college.
I was a brash young, fresh out of the college spring chicken.

You couldn't tell me anything, I knew everything, and NO ONE could tell me otherwise. I was ferociously fabulous and everyone was subject to me( not in such an authoritarian way)


I thought I did. I thought I knew myself, but the more and more I read this personality profile, and looked at how different I've changed, I realized that humanity is a lot more complex then I thought.
That I"M more complex then I thought?

I learned that if I could change personalities in the last 6 years, then my perspective mate could as well.
I learned that if there are 15 different personalities in the world, then I might not have a clue, how to appropriate deal with my mate no matter how many blog articles I read for help......


A little earlier in the entry I asked you to please ask yourself where do you exist. In your head or outside?

Do you have so many conversations in your head, that you miss whats going on in the outside world? Forget to live in the moment, because your analyzing the thoughts, words, scenery or previous interactions. Its just how your brain works.

To give you a better look of where I was and who I was now, the best way is to use celebrity personality profiles.

The profile I was before, ESTJ or the Emotional, Sensing, Thinking and Judging individual was likened to the following people.

Condolezza Rice
Agosto Pinochet controversial dictator of Chile ESTJ

George Bush
Sadaam Hussein
Martha Stewart
General Pinochet
Dr. Phil
Hillary Clinton
Ann Coulter
Joseph Stalin( which we have the same birthday !! December 18th) 

These ( in my opinion) are ( in their own right) successful, people at the top of their list and head of their game. However, they are mostly, authoritarian in nature.

Not who I am anymore, not the person I've grown into , or the people I want to be associated with

Now lets take a look at my personality profile now resembles, after some growth, and maturation.........

My current profile is ENFJ 


Nelson Mandela
Martin Luther King
Erasmus of Rotterdam
Tony Blair
Neil Degrasse Tyson
Yassir Arafat
Oprah
Bono
James Lipton
Morgan Freeman is another famous ENFJ
I also like it when he explains things or is GOD in a movie


Needless to say, my ego was stroked. These are the people I identify with the most, after reading autobiographies, and examining facts ( Something I love to do with a big glass of red wine and wikipedia) 

I have grown, I have matured, I have changed. I'm not an authoritarian figure( not to say I'm not in control) but I have things in my personality, that I was unaware of , or not paying attention to.

Things once I realized I could activate, made my life, a lot more seamless, in my relationships with my wonderful boyfriend and myself.

I told my friend Nick, to not worry about what his boyfriend said. 

To instead, take some time, and get to know himself, and to know his boyfriend. Take your personality profile, and examine yourself. Get your boyfriend to do it too. You'll learn things about each other you never knew


I did this for myself and my boyfriend, and I came to the conclusion that we all change on a daily basis based upon our experiences, environment and beliefs. This lead me to the thought that if there is a day when your mate feels like he/she loves you more than you love him, then you have 2 choices in my view.

1) CHOICE NUMBER ONE, is to leave it all behind, and realize you don't want to give more love to the person your currently with, which is not bad, it just means the relationship has run its course, which is a possibility if you follow your gut, and realize you have no attachment to the person your with


2) CHOICE NUMBER TWO ,Level the playing field. Realize the person you are with, is the person your with, take this as creative feedback, and do more to make your mate happy.

If your mate, takes the time to notice, they may just discovered( and you might too) that you really do love your mate.

Just somedays, you love each other more, then other moments.....



That change is expected, and its called humanity. Live, breath, openly

Love, and talk!


Its not as bad as you think if you just try.

Take the Myers Briggs test for yourself, or have a peep at the image at the top and figure out what your personality type is. 

I hope we all have fun on our journey of self discovery. It only gets to be more fun when your in a relationship with someone who also discovered themself, so that you can both concentrate on finding yourself in your relationship, building a stable confident future. 


I encourage everyone, please take the test, and comment on the Disqus comments below, what is your personality type!




Monst3r



P.P.S

TAKE THE TEST AND COMMENT ON WHAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS!!!





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